Thoughts to Ponder

Concerning Life and Divorce



A friend who had been through a divorce some time back sent me an e-mail with some "quips" about relationships. I ran across them again today and decided to share. I don't know who wrote or compiled them, but I can't claim credit. If you need to hear any of this, take what you need that you can gain from it.
Following in italics are some comments for you to think about.



No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

If a person truly loves you, they won't want to hurt you. If they do hurt you,and it may hurt more to hear this, but you may need to accept the fact that they don't love you enough or they wouldn't keep hurting you.

The worse way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

This could mean several things. You could be in love with a married person. Add your own possibilities. I think that this means that the person who is physically with you may not be emotionally with you. There is nothing worse than when you love someone and they pull away from you. This happens when one of a couple isn't as committed as the other and eventually
wants to end their marriage. They cut off their emotions to make it easy for them, and it is terribly painful to you.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

This is what you want for your life. You want to mean the world to your husband or wife. If you don't feel that you do, then your marriage is lacking something. You deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone, and if you aren't, you can't be fulfilled. If someone doesn't love you that much, and they leave you, you will grieve, but hold on to the knowledge that you deserve better.

Don't waste your time on a man or woman who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

"Nuf said". Three or four years after my divorce I went with a man who would pull me close, then push me away. Trying to please him, I kept trying to make the relationship work because my marriage hadn't, and I kept thinking that I could fix whatever I did wrong in my marriage in this relationship. Also, my former husband had told me that I wasn't giving enough, that nobody would ever love me again. I wanted to prove him wrong. I devoted too much time to trying to make this relationship work. Finally I saw the light, but we broke up. He did the breaking up. He couldn't commit and sensed that I wanted more than he could give. It hurt, but I saw that HE was the one with the problems, and that this wasn't right for me.
After that, I decided to give up on men. From past experience, I felt that I wouldn't ever be with a good man, so I gave up and decided to be happy with myself. I made a vow that unless a man pursued me and showed me that he really cared for me I would never deal with men again. I had to make myself happy and stand on my own two feet and stop looking for someone to love me as I am. About 3-4 months later, this particular man who had broken up with me because I wanted more from the relationship than he did called me wanting to get back together, saying he felt he had changed and could commit more. It also coincided with his ex-wife getting remarried, showing that he was still attached to her in some way even though they had been divorced for a long time. I declined, knowing that he was not the right man for me. He wasn't emotionally healthy, and I was tired of carrying the relationships and trying to make them work..

Which leads to this next bit of wisdom:

Don't try so hard; the best things come when you least expect them to.

Shortly after that, a man came into my life who liked me for who I was, and who wanted me, and treats me like I should be treated. I don't have to shoulder the burden; it's an equal partnership.

Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. It happened for a reason.

Even when a marriage fails, I firmly believe that it happened for a reason. There was a reason I married my first husband. It was a necessary journey for me to get to where I am now. It gave me my children, years of happiness and dreams, directions I wouldn't have had if I hadn't married this person. We didn't stay together forever, but it wasn't meant to last. I can't get into all of the reasons, but I'll bet if you look at your life, you will see why you have been where you have been. Trust the process of life and growth.

There are always going to be people who hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting, but just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

Know someone very carefully before you commit. People put on their best face while courting, then often change after marriage. It's just natural to do so. Look at their families, their friends, their lifestyle, and get to know them in all circumstances. After a divorce, it's important to be very careful before getting back in the swing.
After one failed marriage, it is necessary to examine your mistakes and learn from them. I had trusted my husband with my life, and was so trusting that I never saw signs of his leaving. They were there, but I trusted him so much that I would have never thought he was having an affair, or that he had stopped loving me. His behavior was terrible towards me, yet I thought we were just going through a bad phase of our life. If someone treats you well, you can trust them. If they don't treat you well, something is wrong, so be careful with your trust.

Don't jump into a new relationship too soon.

It's very normal to be hurting and want to find someone to take the hurt away.
But if you try to get into a relationship before you have healed and spent some time in the
desert, you will not be ready. You will be too needy. It will be painful, but work through the grief first. If not, you will look for the same kind of person you had and it won't work out again.


Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

I could say lots about this one. After a person goes through a divorce,
it is a good time to take a good look at oneself and try to honestly see what you are really like.
Do you like yourself? Lots of people don't after they've been dumped.
They say that it takes two people to make a marriage, and two people to end it. I believe the first part; the second I have to take a bit of an exception to. If a marriage is solid, if both people work to keep it solid, if they love each other, and if outside factors don't mess things up (job stress, life's unexpected turns, and many other factors), as long as they want the marriage to last, it will. If there are problems, it takes both people making an effort to fix things for it to survive. If one is tired of the marriage,more than likely they don't want to fix it. So, while both people have to keep it together, one can end it. It only takes one wanting out to ruin it. In that respect, one person will bring about the divorce. It may be from lack of commitment, a thrilling affair, unfulfilled areas of their lives, money problems, drug or alcohol use, or many other reasons one person wants to end the marriage and the other doesn't. While both may be a contributor to the marriage failure, I believe that one person is more responsible than another.
Now, go back to both people being contributors to the end of the marriage. The one who acted out, made all of the accusations, who wanted out of the marriage is technically the one to end it, but there were probably some things you did or ways you acted or behaved that didn't exactly make you too endearing to leave. Both people in a marriage have faults, have failures and dysfunctional behaviors. The person who leaves isn't the type to admit that they have faults or problems. They think that leaving will make their lives all better.

But you are the one who is left hurting.
What can you do to keep this whole scenario from happening again?

Take an honest look at yourself. You probably have some issues you need to work on. I certainly did. Now is a perfect time to work on yourself. If you have childhood issues, they will eventually affect another relationship or marriage. There is no family that is not somewhat dysfunctional, and the longer I live, the more I realize that there aren't any really healthy, functional families in the world. Dysfunctional families produce dysfunctional children who grow up and carry their issues into their marriages.

Get to know yourself. Do some work on yourself. See a counselor and work through your issues. Learn to like and even love yourself. Be good to yourself. Become the type of person you would like to marry. If not, you will attract more dysfunctional people.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person,
we will know how to be grateful.

I thought my first husband was the right one. You probably did, also. We certainly loved each other. We went together for three years before getting married, and stayed married for 28 1/2 years. It got pretty dismal towards the end. I tried to hold on because I didn't want to lose him. His leaving nearly killed me. I should have let go much sooner rather than dragging it out. It was over and couldn't have been fixed. There were too many unhealthy patterns that had been established and too much water under the bridge.
Still, I am convinced that he was the right one for me at the time. We were married for a reason. I recognize those reasons.

Next came that short relationship that I again tried to make work, but that was entirely wrong for me. I tried hard on that one because I was trying to make the next relationship work like I couldn't make the first one work. Eventually I realized that he was far from the right one.

You have to meet a few wrong people before the right one comes along forever. Don't settle for the first person to come along. You have to learn what is right for you and what is not; what you want in a partner and what you don't want. Now that I have met my true, mature love and am extremely happy, we both feel grateful that we came together. The bad times make the good ones seem even more glorious. Not a day goes by that we aren't thankful for each other, and that is one of the things that makes a good marriage.


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This article is meant to be helpful, but should not be considered to be advice from a professional.


This page was created June 26, 2004;

Updated August 9, 2006.