I 'm glad that you found this site without too much trouble.
My previous web hosting site closed suddenly
a few years ago and I was given a month to find a new host.
My previous site was # 1 on the search engines and was
easy to find; now I've had to start over again many pages into a search.
. In addition, many others have created similar pages.
I'm sure that you can gain help from other sites, too.
Thanks for your patience.
divorce recovery site is designed to help you
understand and cope with the pain of divorce.
Portions may help you deal with the death of a loved one.
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
** Please read the copyright statement at the bottom of this page and note
that this site and its contents, unless credited to someone else, is
copyrighted by me and cannot be taked without permission.
Both the death of a spouse or a loved partner cause untold grief. Both losses have to be grieved. The few basic differences between the two are these:
First, read the paragraphs below explaining the reasons for this web
site, then scroll on down to see the links to the pages that hopefully
will help you deal with the grief and pain of loss,
especially your loss through divorce .
It is also helpful for those who have loved ones who died.
To teachers who assign my grief pages in conjunction
with book themes such as The Outsiders, please see this page.
This site is dedicated primarily to women who have been "dumped" (the term used for the person who did not want the divorce), because I can write only from that perspective. However, it may be beneficial for men who were dumped by their wives, and for couples in long-term relationships that break up. In fact, I have heard from men who said this site is extremely helpful to both sexes. In addition, some (but not all) of the aspects and issues discussed, such as the stages of grief, will be of benefit to people who have lost a spouse through death.
A little bit of background:
At mid-life (around age 50), my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married. It wasn't that simple; things led up to it. Nevertheless, he wanted out. He decided he no longer loved me; in fact, he said he hadn't loved me for a long time. He didn't want the responsibility of a home, the children, or work. He was "tired of marriage and tired of trying," he said. He said he should have left a long time ago, never mind the fact that he continued to tell me he loved me through all of those years. That hurt.
According to Dr. James Dobson, the noted psychologist who has a newspaper column and television commentary, my husband did what many husbands do when they decide they want a divorce. Dr. Dobson says that when one person gets tired of a marriage and its responsibilities and breaks up the marriage, the other spouse tends to take on the guilt for the end of the marriage. In fact, the person who breaks up the marriage tends to shift the blame to the other person so that they won't feel so bad.
Dobson stated that although it usually takes two people to end a marriage, the person who wants out (the one who usually has the affair) tends to maximize the faults of the other, further causing them to feel responsible. He makes the person being "dumped" feel that if they had just met his needs he wouldn't have had to go out and find someone else, therefore even further transferring the blame on them.
That is exactly what happened to me. My ex-husband picked fights, set things up so that I couldn't win for losing, and made it seem that everything was my fault. He refused to see a counselor; in fact, he said that there was nothing wrong with him, and that once I was"fixed" by going to one, things would be O.K. Looking back, he had no intention of trying, but I refused to see it because I still loved him. Also, he refused to take any responsibility for the ending of our marriage. He never was one to apologize... ever in our marriage.
His leaving left me devastated and wondering what I could have done to prevent it. As it turned out, there was nothing I could have done. If one person stops wanting to be married, it is not possible for the other to hold the marriage together, no matter how much they love them or how hard they try.
Furthermore, over time I realized that he had tried hard to make my life so miserable that I would want the divorce and he would end up looking like the "good guy". Also, if I had asked for the divorce, he would have been the injured party and been less likely to want to give me much of anything in the divorce settlement. Those who leave are pretty devious, becoming someone you don't even recognize.
So, what was left for me? I had to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and try to get on with what was left of it. It was a difficult process, but eventually I started to heal. It took years, though, for me to get over him. It has taken more years to deal with being rejected and repair the damage that was done to my self esteem.
Many people who have lost a spouse through death have told me that it was easier on them because they didn't have to deal with the rejection and the loss of love.
What I have put on these web pages came from the therapy I underwent, the books I read, and the things I learned as I tried to heal my hurt and pain. I also attended two different divorce recovery groups, and ended up working with those groups as a facilitator for three years in one and for five years in another. I finally moved on enough that I didn't feel like I needed to stay with those groups because I had healed enough to get on with my life.
The pain has gone, but the memories
tend to linger, and sometimes the feelings of hurt are triggered by
something out of the blue. The sad feelings I thought were gone will
always there, usually buried, because we shared so many years (28
1/2 years married and 3 years dating) together. The soul, I believe,
will always remember those feelings because of the time we spent together.
Wanting to give back some of what others so lovingly gave me, I decided to try to reach out to people. Giving people hope that it is possible to have a life after divorce makes me feel like there was a purpose that unhappy period of my life.
I do not pretend to be an expert,
nor am I a licensed counselor. I'm just a person who survived divorce,
learned a great deal about how divorce affects a person, and how to
live through it. I want to pass it on to others. I hope that some
of what I have written will help make it easier for you.
I do appreciate hearing from some of you when you write to tell me that these pages have helped you. I have heard from quite a few people who think I can help them personally. Unfortunately, I'm not a counselor or a therapist, so I would like to ask that you not write to me seeking advice. I don't know your situation, I haven't heard the other side, I don't know who you are or what you are all about, and most of all, I'm not qualified to give you advice. The few times I tried to advise people when asked, they didn't like what I told them. Sometimes it hurts to hear things you are unprepared to hear because you aren't ready to accept the truth.
take me seriously when I tell you to see a counselor or a therapist
if you are having an unusually hard time dealing with your divorce.
You need to talk to someone
who is trained to deal with these things - someone who will get to
know you and your situation. I can't stress this enough. They
can help you. And if they aren't helping, change therapists or counselors.
Sometimes a person can relate to one therapist and not another.
"The reason most of us won't let go of what we
have is that we don't really believe that something better is in front
of us. So we hang on desperately to what was. Until you let go of
what was, you don't get the beautiful stuff of what can be. In living
that life of truth where things can get better, they are going to
above statement actually happened to me. I was so depressed and down
for so long that I didn't think that I would ever be happy again.
I kept reading and remembering those words, and I remember the day
that I actually was able to laugh with delight. I was out in my flower
garden and I actually felt lighthearted. I also remember thinking,
"Wow! I laughed and actually felt good." That was the beginning
of my realizing that I was healing.
Read these pages. Cry when you need
to. Let the feelings come up, and learn to accept them. Work on yourself.
You have a good life ahead of you to live.
Here are the links to my pages:
** Please read the copyright statement at the end of this page.
I shall pass through
this world but once.
~ Steven Grellet ~
I hope that something
or anything on one of my pages on grief and divorce recovery will help
you in some small way. If it has helped, and you know of anyone else
who might benefit from reading any of the topics listed above, please
pass this site on.
If you are in deep pain
and can't seem to get past it, please seek professional help. You owe
it to yourself, and you can't afford not to.
This page was created January 23, 1999
Updated January 16, 2006, July 11, 2007
2/24/10, 10/7/2012, 10/25/12.
Contents of this page
(including text) with the exception of the background image set and
paintingand quoted poems are Copyright 2000-2012 by Linda Saxon Nix.
No part of this page's original composition can be copied, reproduced,
printed, placed on another web site or otherwise published in any
medium without written permission.
Contents protected by United States Copyright Laws.
All sounds/music not credited to others are considered to be in "public domain". If you see something that is not in public domain that you created, please let me know and I will either give you credit or remove it. Every effort has been made to give credit when information was available. Thanks.
Title Graphic: "Sleeping Beauty" by Sir Edward Coley Burne-Jones Background Set From Dani's Delusions Graphics