My 
Divorce Recovery Site
 
 



Please Note:
I 'm glad that you found this site without too much trouble.
My previous web hosting site closed suddenly
a few years ago and I was given a month to find a new host.
My previous site was # 1 on the search engines and was
easy to find; now I've had to start over again many pages into a search.
. In addition, many others have created similar pages.

I'm sure that you can gain help from other sites, too.
Thanks for your patience.

This divorce recovery site is designed to help you
understand and cope with the pain of divorce.

Portions may help you deal with the death of a loved one.

 
  
"If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking"

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

Emily Dickinson


** Please read the copyright statement at the bottom of this page and note
that this site and its contents, unless credited to someone else, is
copyrighted by me and cannot be taked without permission.

Both the death of a spouse or a loved partner cause untold grief. Both losses have to be grieved. The few basic differences between the two are these:

  1. Death is final.
  2. With divorce, there is always an "ex" walking around for you to wonder what they are doing or who they are with.
  3. With death, there is no "ex" that you have to deal with as far as division of possesions or worry about going through a lengthy process of divorce. Most of the time you get all of their possessions.
  4. In divorce, you nearly always have financial problems and arguments.
  5. With divorce, you have to deal with rejection and someone telling you that they no longer love you and either never have or haven't for a long time. With death, you know that the person you loved also loved you.
  6. With death, anger is often directed at the person's caregivers - doctors, etc. You can also be angry at the person who left you in a financial or emotional mess.
  7. With divorce, the anger is is directed at the spouse.




First, r
ead the paragraphs below explaining the reasons for this web
site, then scroll on down to see the links to the pages that hopefully
will help you deal with the grief and pain of loss,
especially your loss through divorce
.

It is also helpful for those who have loved ones who died.

 
 

To teachers who assign my grief pages in conjunction
with book themes such as The Outsiders, please see this page.

 
 
 
The above poem by Emily Dickinson expresses the reason I have dedicated time and web space to the subject of divorce and divorce recovery. Having gone through a divorce (one that I thought would ever happen and one that I didn't want), I know first hand the hurt, devastation, pain, and loneliness that people can suffer as the result of divorce.

This site is dedicated primarily to women who have been "dumped" (the term used for the person who did not want the divorce), because I can write only from that perspective. However, it may be beneficial for men who were dumped by their wives, and for couples in long-term relationships that break up. In fact, I have heard from men who said this site is extremely helpful to both sexes. In addition, some (but not all) of the aspects and issues discussed, such as the stages of grief, will be of benefit to people who have lost a spouse through death.

 

 

A little bit of background:

At mid-life (around age 50), my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married. It wasn't that simple; things led up to it. Nevertheless, he wanted out. He decided he no longer loved me; in fact, he said he hadn't loved me for a long time. He didn't want the responsibility of a home, the children, or work. He was "tired of marriage and tired of trying," he said. He said he should have left a long time ago, never mind the fact that he continued to tell me he loved me through all of those years. That hurt.

According to Dr. James Dobson, the noted psychologist who has a newspaper column and television commentary, my husband did what many husbands do when they decide they want a divorce. Dr. Dobson says that when one person gets tired of a marriage and its responsibilities and breaks up the marriage, the other spouse tends to take on the guilt for the end of the marriage. In fact, the person who breaks up the marriage tends to shift the blame to the other person so that they won't feel so bad.

Dobson stated that although it usually takes two people to end a marriage, the person who wants out (the one who usually has the affair) tends to maximize the faults of the other, further causing them to feel responsible. He makes the person being "dumped" feel that if they had just met his needs he wouldn't have had to go out and find someone else, therefore even further transferring the blame on them.

That is exactly what happened to me. My ex-husband picked fights, set things up so that I couldn't win for losing, and made it seem that everything was my fault. He refused to see a counselor; in fact, he said that there was nothing wrong with him, and that once I was"fixed" by going to one, things would be O.K. Looking back, he had no intention of trying, but I refused to see it because I still loved him. Also, he refused to take any responsibility for the ending of our marriage. He never was one to apologize... ever in our marriage.

His leaving left me devastated and wondering what I could have done to prevent it. As it turned out, there was nothing I could have done. If one person stops wanting to be married, it is not possible for the other to hold the marriage together, no matter how much they love them or how hard they try.

Furthermore, over time I realized that he had tried hard to make my life so miserable that I would want the divorce and he would end up looking like the "good guy". Also, if I had asked for the divorce, he would have been the injured party and been less likely to want to give me much of anything in the divorce settlement. Those who leave are pretty devious, becoming someone you don't even recognize.

So, what was left for me? I had to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and try to get on with what was left of it. It was a difficult process, but eventually I started to heal. It took years, though, for me to get over him. It has taken more years to deal with being rejected and repair the damage that was done to my self esteem.

Many people who have lost a spouse through death have told me that it was easier on them because they didn't have to deal with the rejection and the loss of love.

What I have put on these web pages came from the therapy I underwent, the books I read, and the things I learned as I tried to heal my hurt and pain. I also attended two different divorce recovery groups, and ended up working with those groups as a facilitator for three years in one and for five years in another. I finally moved on enough that I didn't feel like I needed to stay with those groups because I had healed enough to get on with my life.

The pain has gone, but the memories tend to linger, and sometimes the feelings of hurt are triggered by something out of the blue. The sad feelings I thought were gone will always there, usually buried, because we shared so many years (28 1/2 years married and 3 years dating) together. The soul, I believe, will always remember those feelings because of the time we spent together.
But for now- I have moved on, and I have found a new and good life. I have found that my first marriage would never have given me the happy, fulfilling life that I now have. We have to accept what has happened to us and then move on to another life that holds more for us.

Wanting to give back some of what others so lovingly gave me, I decided to try to reach out to people. Giving people hope that it is possible to have a life after divorce makes me feel like there was a purpose that unhappy period of my life.

I do not pretend to be an expert, nor am I a licensed counselor. I'm just a person who survived divorce, learned a great deal about how divorce affects a person, and how to live through it. I want to pass it on to others. I hope that some of what I have written will help make it easier for you.
I must stress that to recover, you have to do a lot of work. Time alone will not heal you to the point where you are a whole person, healthy person. You have to work through it all. It takes time to do that.

Please Note:

I do appreciate hearing from some of you when you write to tell me that these pages have helped you. I have heard from quite a few people who think I can help them personally. Unfortunately, I'm not a counselor or a therapist, so I would like to ask that you not write to me seeking advice. I don't know your situation, I haven't heard the other side, I don't know who you are or what you are all about, and most of all, I'm not qualified to give you advice. The few times I tried to advise people when asked, they didn't like what I told them. Sometimes it hurts to hear things you are unprepared to hear because you aren't ready to accept the truth.

Please take me seriously when I tell you to see a counselor or a therapist if you are having an unusually hard time dealing with your divorce. You need to talk to someone who is trained to deal with these things - someone who will get to know you and your situation. I can't stress this enough. They can help you. And if they aren't helping, change therapists or counselors. Sometimes a person can relate to one therapist and not another.
If, on the other hand, this site has helped you, it would be nice to hear from you.

"The reason most of us won't let go of what we have is that we don't really believe that something better is in front of us. So we hang on desperately to what was. Until you let go of what was, you don't get the beautiful stuff of what can be. In living that life of truth where things can get better, they are going to get better."
By Earnie Lawson, "Relationships"

"The tragedies that now blacken and darken the very airs of Heaven for us will one day sink into their places in a scheme so august, so magnificent, so joyful, that we shall laugh for wonder and delight."
(Author unknown)

The above statement actually happened to me. I was so depressed and down for so long that I didn't think that I would ever be happy again. I kept reading and remembering those words, and I remember the day that I actually was able to laugh with delight. I was out in my flower garden and I actually felt lighthearted. I also remember thinking, "Wow! I laughed and actually felt good." That was the beginning of my realizing that I was healing.

Read these pages. Cry when you need to. Let the feelings come up, and learn to accept them. Work on yourself. You have a good life ahead of you to live.
I wish each and every one of you happiness in the future.
You are entitled to it, so claim it.

 

 

Here are the links to my pages:

 

Grief

"The Stages of Grief"
Discusses the 5 Stages of Grief

The Weaver

"His Plan For Your Life"
Hope for a new life with the right person.

Life's Lessons

"Life's Lessons"
Why We Have to Go Through Pain

Prayers for Serenity and Peace

"Prayers for Serenity and Peace"
Prayers For When You Feel Lost and Alone

Garden of Serenity and Peace

"The Garden of Serenity and Peace"
3 Pages of Uplifting Affirmations and Verses

Comes the  Dawn

"Comes the Dawn"
A Poem of Survival

The Weaver

"The Weaving"
The Plan For Our Lives

The Weaver

"My Love Story"
There really can be Happiness after Divorce.

Can I Save My Marriage?

"Can I Save My Marriage?"
A Realistic Look at Marriage and Divorce

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

"A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime"
Why marriages sometimes don't last a lifetime

Beginning Experience

"B.E. (The Beginning Experience)"
A weekend retreat that will help you heal from your loss

Beginning Experience
"Real Life"
What happens in real life isn't what we expect

Think About Your Life

"Things to Ponder"
Some "tidbits" to make you think about your life.
Why and How it Ends

"The End"
Why and How it ends.

Let Them God
Let Them Go
When someone walks away, let them go.
Let Them God "What is Love?"
Examines what love is.
Let Them God Hurricane Katrina Losses
One loss brings up all other losses
Let Them God Good-bye Letter for Divorce and Death
This often helps with closure
Let Them God

Children and Death
How to help children deal with death.

** Please read the copyright statement at the end of this page.


 

I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good, therefore, that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
Let me not defer nor neglect it,
for I shall not pass this way again.

~ Steven Grellet ~

I hope that something or anything on one of my pages on grief and divorce recovery will help you in some small way. If it has helped, and you know of anyone else who might benefit from reading any of the topics listed above, please pass this site on.
Also, if you can help anyone from your experiences, please do so.

If you are in deep pain and can't seem to get past it, please seek professional help. You owe it to yourself, and you can't afford not to.
It will be money well spent. It may also help to talk with a minister.
If at all possible, try to attend a divorce recovery workshop run by local churches in most areas.

 

 
Send a link to this page via email!

 

 

 

 

This page was created January 23, 1999
Updated January 16, 2006, July 11, 2007
2/24/10, 10/7/2012, 10/25/12.

  

 

Copyright Restrictions - Please Read:

Contents of this page (including text) with the exception of the background image set and paintingand quoted poems are Copyright 2000-2012 by Linda Saxon Nix. No part of this page's original composition can be copied, reproduced, printed, placed on another web site or otherwise published in any medium without written permission.
Credit is given when authors are known on subsequent pages; however, some authors are unknown.

Contents protected by United States Copyright Laws.

   Credits:
 

All sounds/music not credited to others are considered to be in "public domain". If you see something that is not in public domain that you created, please let me know and I will either give you credit or remove it. Every effort has been made to give credit when information was available. Thanks.

 Title Graphic: "Sleeping Beauty" by Sir Edward Coley Burne-Jones Background Set From Dani's Delusions Graphics