"Why Marriages May Not Last"


Why do people come into our lives and then leave?
Why do marriages fail to last a lifetime?
The answer to this lies only with God, but one must look at this question from a philosophical viewpoint.
Read the essay below that I received via e-mail. I found it an excellent vehicle for getting across the message that all marriages aren't supposed to (or can't) last a lifetime. This may help you to accept your divorce more easily.

"A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime"

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason, you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person/people (any way);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships
and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Our spouses were a part of our lives for a reason. We chose them not only because we fell in love with them and enjoyed being around them, but also because (consciously or subconsciously) they met a need in us that we thought could only be filled by them. We didn't do this consciously, but the need to be met was there. We also fulfilled a need in them. Harville Hendrix writes books describing this theory. He says that we seek a mate to meet the unmet needs of childhood,
especially if we were raised in any type of dysfunctional home. Once married, we proceed to work out with the spouse things we could not work out as a child.

Perhaps marriages end because one or the other has fulfilled their purpose, and it is time for us to move on. This can happen when we marry someone who isn't right for us for an entire lifetime. As much as it may hurt, we need to realize that there may not be a solid basis for a lifetime relationship with that particular person. We also need to realize that one or the other person may change from the person you married, and you may find that you are no longer compatable.

I thought I loved my first husband with a love that would last eternally. He declared deep love for me and said that he would love me Eternally, as in the old song. Upon looking backIn that marriage, I didn't ever feel that I was loved unconditionally, although I did feel loved. I didn't ever feel "special".
Something was missing, but I also thought all marriages were like ours. Before I met my second husband, I would read a book or see a movie about real, true love and I couldn't help but feel a bit skeptical. I never shared this with my first husband, but I didn't believe that any marriage could be as good as those depicted in fiction. I didn't believe it when husbands in those books and movies adored their wives and put them first, or when they got along so beautifully without friction.
I did some soul searching, and came to realize why I married the person I did in my first marriage. There was love, of course, and expectations. I believe that we met each other's needs at that time. I was looking for someone very different from my father. I see that he did come into my life for a reason, or for a purpose, even if he stayed but a long season. I will be forever grateful to him for what he gave to my life in spite of the pain that our divorce caused me.

While with me, he did serve a purpose and meet needs that I had at the time. And I believe that I served a purpose in his life. We had a good life together. For a while, we shared dreams and common interests, we were best friends, and we had two beautiful children. I don't regret our marriage, or the time we spent together. I do regret the pain I went through, and the unhappiness we both felt at times. But to regret the marriage would be to say that there never was love or companionship or a reason for our being together.

It didn't last because we weren't right for each other through the long haul, even though we both had thought that we were going to grow old together.
The first time I heard that we weren't right for each other (while in adivorce recovery weekend), it nearly killed me. I was very angry with the person who suggested that possibility to me. I tried to deny that notion for several years until I eventually realized she was right. There were too many conflicts that seemed to get worse and worse. Had we been well-suited, we wouldn't have had those conflicts and those heated arguments. Had we stayed married, things never would have been good again. Both of us would have remained unhappy and unfulfilled, and we would have had strife and accusations and anger to deal with forever. In the end, there was "too much water under the bridge" to salvage the marriage.

We are where we are, doing what we are supposed to be doing, with the person we are supposed to be with for a reason. Our marriage wasn't a mistake even though it didn't last. It's important for us to see the reasons we came together and the reasons it didn't last.

Here is a saying that has helped me since my divorce, and it may help you with any of your losses.
"Only that which we no longer need leaves our lives.
Everything that surrounds us serves a purpose."

(From "Streams in the Desert")

For you to think about:

Look back at your marriage and try to see why you married this person. Look at what he gave you, and look at the needs he met.
Learn why you were meant to be married for a time.

Now that the marriage is ending, don't hold on too long and make it harder for you to move on.
Take what you have learned, for I believe that each experience in our lives is a lesson we can learn from. Take the gifts of life and the good things you had and cherish them.

In the end, I believe that we are put on this Earth to learn and to grow. We have to move forward. There is more work to be done;
more growth to experience; more life to live. Let go and move on.

Let Them Go

Back to my Divorce Recovery Page.




This page was created January 1, 2001
and updated August 9, 2006 & Oct. 23, 1012.



All content on this page except that credited to others is Copyright 2001 by Linda S. Nix and may not be copied, published, printed or reproduced in any manner without explicit written permission. This article is meant to be helpful, but should not be considered to be advice from a professional.
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